I chose Cthulu and Zoidburg, because why not Zoidburg? I mean look, they are both crustaceans displaced from the world they know, who are just trying to feel a little bit more at home. They both have icky tentacle faces, so kissing doesn’t weird them out, which is a big plus in a dating market that is 99.9999999% non-crustacean non-face tentacle non-monsters.
I got this idea from what Professor Groom was saying about the elder Gods. I’m a huge Lovecraft fan, and Cthulu always reminded me a bit of Zoidburg, so I hit google. I was not disappointed. After I found this picture I thought about how to mash together the funny playful Futurama tone with the serious and epic Lovecraftian tone. I kept it pretty light, but I also managed to get in a large number of deaths, and the idea of thoughts so horrible that merely conceiving of them would drive one to lunacy.
They met one day as Zoidburg was down on the beach shedding for the summer, as Cthulu emerged from his ancient slumber to bring destruction to all mankind. As he crested the water, Zoidburg noticed how the sun reflected off of his slimy green wet skin, and couldn’t help but get a bit excited. In the custom of his people, he erected his mating foliage and began to dance in an assertive and dominant manor to get Cthulu’s attention. Cthulu saw this, and thought it was cute how pathetic and meek the tiny crab man was. He thought of how little the red one knew about the universe, and the struggle behind the veil of consciousness, kind of like his favorite T.V. character, John Snow. Cthulu flapped his mighty wings and in an instant the water parted from around him as he glided effortlessly out of the water and onto the beach. Their eyes met, and there was no stopping it then. They both felt it, and one of them dealt it, as the universe shuttered under the weight of their intent. Thousands died, but were happy to do so in the service of all things imminent in the flow of the universe. Their consummation was unholy, and to speak of it would cause one’s sanity to fade into a place unbeknownst and inconceivable. No one was left wanting that day, which is more than anyone wanted in the first place. <3 <3 <3